BOOK EXCERPT: Forfeiting All Sanity – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Determination
Pages 125-126

All along I have tried my best to let wisdom guide my thoughts and actions. I said to myself, “I am determined to be wise.” But it didn’t really work. Wisdom is always distant and very difficult to find. – Ecclesiastes 7:23–24

When Ashley was about five years old, she brought me a little piece of red plastic. It was obvious to me that it had broken away from a very well-loved toy. She thought it was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. She said in the sweetest, most genuine voice, “Oh Mommy, don’t you love it? Isn’t it beautiful?” She then asked if I knew where its parents were. I began to tell her that yes, I thought it was very pretty and it looked very special but that it was a piece of plastic and it did not have parents. She looked up at me almost breathless and said, “Oh no; well, we could always adopt it.”

As tears welled up in my eyes, I tried to sort out her tattered understanding on life. She obviously understood that we adopted her to love her and take care of her because her biological parents could not, but yet she could not determine the difference between human beings and pieces of plastic. I can’t imagine going through life so confused yet so wise in so many ways.

Writing this book has been much of the same experience for me. I have expressed confusion and gained wisdom, as well as regained my sanity. Just the other day, when Ashley was having a meltdown, David was getting frustrated, and I simply said, “David, that is not how she understands it. She can’t help it.” He never said anything else until we got in bed later that night. He told me he wanted to compliment me on something. He noticed a difference in me with the way I handled Ashley. I told him thank you, and I realized I had noticed a huge difference in myself as well.

This book started as a journaling process to vent when I was frustrated with her and at a loss for how to handle her behavior. At the same time, I began praying for wisdom for each and every decision we made, whether it was regarding financial issues, raising our children, or getting more actively involved in a new church home. Most importantly, I prayed for a better relationship with Ashley, more understanding toward her, and a softer heart for her. Within days, I could feel the difference. Not only have all my prayers been answered, but we now have a church home to call our very own, and she has asked Jesus to live in her heart.

I have discovered new ways to motivate her to get things done and to love life. I have developed a relationship with her again. We hold hands. I know that sounds small, but it is really big. I think for a while I was actually resentful toward her. I was not dumb enough to believe all of our hardships and struggles were her fault, but I was dumb enough to treat her as if I did blame her.

I know now that I cannot change her, but as I learned in college, I can change myself with the help of God. I just need the courage to change and the wisdom to know when change is needed. I have been so blessed. I have beautiful, wonderful, healthy children, and God selected each one of them for me and me for them. He definitely had a plan, and he selected me to follow through with that plan. I am determined to get this book out for Ashley and all the other children, as well as their families who are challenged with this preventable disorder. I am determined to devote my life to my family again rather than hiding behind the diagnosis, my work, or my disappointment in how I have handled everything. So many people make the comment about how strong I am and how well I handle everything. I must put on a pretty good exterior appearance because on the inside I feel like I have been running a neverending marathon.

Reader Testimonials

I never thought much about FAS until I read this book. Now I want to be sure and tell everyone I can about it. Sharing the book with others is the best way to do it. I have bought 4 copies and plan to buy more. I think this would be a good addition to the library of Jr. & Sr. High Schools, could be used in health classes and by church Youth Ministers. Thank you Jennifer for being so open and for sharing your walk and thank you Ashley for allowing mommy to tell your story to help others.
Robin Smith Ross

I have to tell you that I have read many books related to fetal alcohol syndrome. This is the first book I've ever read that addresses the struggle parents go through to get their child diagnosed. It is also the first book that goes through day by day issues at school and home. It is well-written by an expert from the real world who never doubted herself as a mother, while many parents who have a child with FAS feel that they failed. A wonderful book with great ideas for every parent with FAS. I truly recommend it.
Sari Nabulsi, MD, FAAP, MBA

The day I received my book was a very busy day with alot of company and family in my home, so I couldn't wait till bedtime so I could start reading my book. Finally I took my shower and headed to bed. I was taken into the story in the first chapter and read over half the book that very night.. As soon as my company left the next day, I headed straight to my book to finish it. Jennifer writes so you can visualize the situation and the emotions just pour off the pages. I finished the book realizing how easy my days are and patience is definitely a virtue. God has and is using this family in a great way. Great job Jennifer, I look forward to reading more things from your heart.
Sue DiLillo

I read this book in a day and a half because I simply could not put it down. Jennifer has the remarkable ability to allow you to experience the things that are occurring as though they are happening to you and to your own child. I truly felt her hope, her love, her spirit, her fear, her anguish, her exasperation and her incredible determination to care for and to advocate for Ashley. The unique ability Jennifer has to understand the struggles her precious daughter is facing and will continue to face in her lifetime is clearly God-given sense of empathy. Her ability to communicate it is clearly another gift from God. Jennifer's faith inspires from the beginning to the end and beyond. The information she shares is so urgent for every woman to have, you'll want to share it with everyone you know. This story grabs your heart and never lets go.
Tiffany Fowler

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